Q+A :: What Are Parents Wanting in a Church?
QUESTION:
What are parents looking for when they visit a church?
My friend says in the past parents were concerned about what a church had to offer their kids and would sacrifice their own interests. He also says today parents are more interested in satisfying their needs.
I don’t know that I agree with this. I see a majority of parents today, more than before, that sacrifice to make sure their kids are taken care of. I think it was true in the past but even truer today.
- James
ANSWER:
There is no black and white answer because there is no universal style of parenting.
Parenting styles vary by culture (i.e., age, race, religion, income, location, education, career, etc.) as well as each parent’s unique personality. It is the infusion of these variables that influence and usually determine each parent’s priorities.
NOT A PRIORITY SHIFT BUT AN INCREASE OF EXPECTATIONS
I believe a greater percentage of parents are looking to find a church that meets both their needs and their kids needs.
I do not think there has been a priority shift. Rather, I believe that parents have increased their expectations.
As technology advances, we become accustomed to having more options and customization, which consequently, causes us to have more expectations. Two centuries ago, parents were likely content to have a church to attend and thrilled if it was the “right” denomination. Obviously, parents have more expectations today.
Parents choosing a church is similar to buying a house. A home buyer may be looking for a home with walk-in closets and a two-car garage, but they may choose a home that is neither because they fall in love with the kitchen.
Some parents want a church that has a great children’s ministry, but they may choose a church because of the congregation’s friendliness or the pastor’s preaching. And other parents may want a church with great small groups, but they may choose a church because the children’s ministry loves their kids and teaches them valuable lessons.
SO WHAT DO PARENTS WANT?
Each parent has their own mix of “wants,” but here is a list of things that every parent seems to like:
- A children’s ministry that makes their kids feel loved.
- A children’s ministry and church with good security.
- A children’s ministry that effectively teaches their kids valuable lessons.
- A children’s ministry that is fun and “wows” their kids.
- A friendly church.
- A church with good preaching.
- A church with good worship.
- A church that makes it easy to make friends.
- A church that offers opportunities to get involved.
For Discussion:
- What do you think parents want in a church?
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Matt Farina Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
I find this to be very interesting and I hope churches don’t start trying to cater to lists like this. Let me explain…
The mission of the church is to go and make disciples and to do that in a way where we are servants. The children part of this list looks more like a list of what people want in a club membership. I don’t see things like an opportunity to serve others with their kids. This list of desires parents have for a church feels like it goes against they type follower God calls us to be.
Plus, ministries that focus on the “wow” factor with kids tend to have a very low retention rate after those kids graduate high school. Well more than half of them walk away from the church and God. Studies I’ve read estimate that just over 50% to 66% of kids who regularly attend fall away after high school.
This list tells me there is a lot of preaching and reaching that needs to happen to these parents. The church isn’t a club. It’s a group of Christs followers working towards his mission.
Paul Clifford Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 1:41 pm
I agree with the retention rate, but I think that’s across the board. After high school, churches tend to lose people.
I don’t think “wow factor” has anything to do with that; just the fact that the transition from teen (with cool fun stuff focused on you) to adult (with boring songs written 300+ years ago focused on people born 80 years ago) is a hard one.
Paul
Greg Davis Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
I understand Matt’s concerns, but the fact remains that the battle for kids (and parents) attention today will not be won by boring them with flannel graph illustrations. The culture around us changes and so must the methodology we use to reach it.
I don’t believe the fall off rate for kids not coming back to church after graduating from high school is because they were overly “wowed” by their student ministry. I think it has a lot more to do with the unique demands and temptations that young adults face in a world of unprecedented personal freedoms and opportunity to do just about anything.
It is true the church isn’t a club, but we are not going to achieve Christ’s calling if we don’t speak the language of the culture we are in. That is rule #1 of missions. If anything, we need to learn how to win back those young adults and so them why and how the church can be relevant to both their needs and the needs of the world around them.
James Westra Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
This is frustrating to me. I don’t understand. We ask people to come to our church and meet Christ to so that their needs are met? I understand we need to speak the language of the times but what is the purpose? To keep their attention? To entertain their brain? I just don’t think what we do on a Sunday morning and Wednesday night should be to meet others needs. We should be meeting the desires of God and His ways. He is the one that pulls all men unto Himself. Not us. He is the one that meets their needs. If what we do does not point to Him and clearly state His purpose for the lives of others, then we have failed. If our focus is on Him and our lives (and ministry) show that, God will bring the people in and keep them in. Our faithfulness to Him will bring fruit.
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound negative or condemning. I am concerned about what our focus is.
dan Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 2:32 pm
From a house-churcher’s perspective:
Child care is an on-going big topic for those of us in house churches because most of us have left or were called out of big “ministries” where children were literally numbers on a screen.
The folks we church with have been doing the HC thing for about seven years and have learned through trial and error. The approach that seems to work out is to simply involve the kids in what the adults are doing.
So each week when my HC meets, we two toddlers, a few tweens, and two babies on the way whom are present. The toddlers and babies tend to play in the middle of the living room where we meet, and the adults sort of act as boundary guards, keeping each from getting into hot coffee or ripping up a Bible
The tweens and older kids play out side or just outside of our group while we talk, sing and pray.
Over the 7 years that our elders have been doing this, their kids have grown up seeing Church literally as people… not a place, not a building. What’s more, apparently these kids are also humans, and over the years it turns out that while they were playing, they were also listening. The former kids-now-tweens and young adults have decided to start their own HC, organized by one of the adult couples, and they meet 2 times a month to organically do what they’ve seen all these years with their eyes and ears.
So over the short time (1.5 yrs) that I’ve been in a HC, I’ve become less and less a fan of programs for kids. You can only wow people for so long until it - the Church - becomes just another pop culture fad.
Matt Farina Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 2:46 pm
@Paul Clifford - Some studies have been done on the retention rate of youth as they become adults. The results I’ve read pointed to a couple big things we need to address and the “wow factor” is one of them. Many kids experience the cool activities they do with their youth group. So, you group to them is little more than a community they do fun things with. When they graduate and leave that they go on to other activities that are fun things in different places. Basically, swapping out church fun activities for others elsewhere.
A second big reason kids leave is that most aren’t given a solid foundation in their faith. They aren’t taught reason and critical thinking and many have a blind faith (a term used as a slur against the early church). They aren’t taught how to love God with all their mind. Then they go off to college where professors are 5 times as likely to be atheist as the general population. Many say they were given a better reason to not have faith than to have faith…. ouch.
@James Westra - I think it’s good to meet the needs of the youth today. But, what the parents are asking for above doesn’t seem to mesh with the needs researchers have identified. The average father in America spends 15 minutes a day with his kids. Studies find a kids relationship with their dad has a huge impact on them. Well more than 50% of kids suffer from abandonment issues, according to studies.
When we start to dig into the needs to the youth today and look at how we can serve them we need to take a good long look at what this is. We need to look past our own noses. It seems to be different than what parents are asking for or the direction we often look.
Dean Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
As a twenty-something, I’ve seen many in my generation walk away after 18 years in the church. Conceding the fact that many people have multiple reasons for leaving a congregation, I can say that my personal experience was tied strongly to ageism. Let me explain:
I grew up in a moderate-sized church with tons of programs. For k-6 there was a Sunday morning group for you, and middle school and high school were separated as well. Then there was post-high-school to 29 year old fellowship group, young marrieds, young parents, 30-somethings, divorce care, AA, etc. This is both a positive, and a negative.
When I was sixteen, I wanted to participate in a Sunday School on one of the Pauline letters. The teacher and the adult participants were excited to have me in the class, but a member of the Board of Elders informed my parents that I was expected to be in the age-appropriate class instead.
(Skip 8 years)
Now 24 and a youth minister in a different part of the state, I’ve seen middle school students who have regularly been involved in age-appropriate Sunday school classes who don’t know the basic aspects of the faith. Try teaching confirmation to students who have been having fun for years but don’t know that Jesus walked the earth after the dinosaurs.
Okay, that’s one kid and one church. Just as many kids have had good experiences as I had a not-so-positive one. But that is my point.
A church that has been around for 2000 years has spent the last few decades focusing on programming and entertaining youth. Perhaps we should scrap the model and start trying to show them what living the faith really means? Felt boards or DVDs, either way, kids don’t know how and why to love our enemies.
Jeff Brame Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 3:59 pm
I think of it differently. A parent is in constant competition with this world for their childs attention. As a church we’re in competition with the adults attention. A parent wants the best for their children, just like God wants the best for us.
There is a battle for our very souls. Our children’s lives are constantly bombarded by this world and the values that it instills. Our children know more about Spongebob Squarepants, Dora the Explorer and Hannah Montana than they do Jesus himself. Its a failure of the parents to have a relationship with God to begin with, its a failure on our part the church to not take an active role in the lives of God’s children. Children mimic what they see and learn.
Kids watch countless hours of tv a week, the church generally gets 1 hour. I think if that a local church can be a conduit for God to WOW a child or their parent to see why Jesus is WAY better than what the world offers than I am all for it.
This mediocre way of thinking, thats what has hurt us as a church. I feel sometimes the church just waits around for God to deliver them, like hes some sort of wish granter.They wont step outside the man created rules of their denomination to reach the lost. The lost are not going to be just dropped on your doorstep. You can’t always reach the lost one certain way.
God is amazing, his creations are amazing, why can’t we think amazingly. The WOW factor that some dismiss, that WOW factor brought this lost follower back to God and also helped my children develop that relationship with him as well cause I was failing at teaching them.
The reason I feel high school kids don’t come back to the church is cause the church can sometimes become hypocritical once you become an adult.
I agree with all the points above. We have to be creatively fierce in how we promote God’s Kingdom to the lost.
Kent Shaffer Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 4:38 pm
@Everyone
Interesting discussion, but it is a rabbit trail. My concluding list was one of what parents like (because that was the question I was answering).
Just because I say a parent likes something does not mean that doing that should be a core mission of each church. Parents like what they like, and most could care less if you think what they like is theologically sound or an effective church technique.
But to join the rabbit trail on “wow,” I think it is a fact that most parents like seeing their kids have fun and be wowed. Wowing a child is not a bad thing as some of you slant it to be, and at the same time, wowing a child for the sake of wowing is worthless.
From a methods perspective, I think:
1. teaching valuable lessons = spiritual foundation/discipleship
2. loving kids = influences kids and helps them keep the faith
3. fun = gets kids attention
4. wowing kids = creates a stickiness that helps a spiritual lesson be remembered 20 years later (I am living proof)
5. church security = gives peace to parents
Each element offers value, but if for some reason you can only choose one… choose teaching valuable lessons or loving kids.
You can still discuss “wow,” but I am more curious to read what you think parents are looking for in a church.
Jeff Brame Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 5:01 pm
Yeah, your right, the posts are sort of a rant, even mine.
First and foremost I think parents look for the same as all of us look for. A safe and loving environment they’re children can learn about Jesus They want something that will leave an lasting impact on their child outside the doors as much as inside when they are attending.
Its tough being a parent and I think most parents view the church as a good sounding board for helping them and their child learn more about each others needs and God’s view of us.
I think it comes down to basic elements:
Loving environment
Nuturing people.
Spiritual growth potential.
Exciting place to be.
Strong communication and teaching Christian value system
I think some parents also look at church choices like this too..
Help me raise my child.
Be comforting to me and my family.
Safe place from the world’s demands.
Change my childs attitudes and issues.
Help me be a better parent.
Hope this helps direct back on topic…sorry Kent.
Rick Thompson Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 5:10 pm
I think you’re all wrong! Not really…I’m just joking…sorta.
I think the list of “common” things parents want is a great place to start. The bottom line is that each pastor / staff has to know exactly what God has called them to do in their community… and follow that calling. I believe once you stop following what God has called you to do…you’ll stop growing.
The important thing to remember in this article, is that the answer to the question posted was “There is no black and white answer because there is no universal style of parenting.”
Just go reach people for God.
Billy Cox Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 6:01 pm
Perhaps churches are finally colliding with the fact that people are organisms, not widgets to be manufactured.
Matt Farina Said,
December 18, 2008 @ 8:29 am
There are some great points about wow factor here.
@Kent I’m glad it had a lasting impression in a good way.
I’ve seen a huge problem with the ‘wow factor’ as we use it and it points to something Kent said. It lasted with him a long time. I’ve talked to a number of kids that loved the songs and liked the vibe of the service but couldn’t remember what the message was about. They were entertained. This happened to me for a time and I didn’t realize it.
I was talking to a Pastor about a book called the Purple Cow recently. A cow in a field of cows doesn’t stand out. A purple cow anywhere will stand out. It the church tries to do things as the world does how is Christ going to stand out among the other things? Especially since the TV and other venues get more time.
Another question to ask is how are kids going to learn about Christ if they aren’t engaged in the mission? That’s how Christ taught his followers. How can we really teach kids about serving those who need it if they aren’t out there doing it? If we show them a sweet video and they hear an awesome speech they still aren’t learning experientially.
This may be a rabbit trail… but it’s a place the church is failing at which means we need to re-think what we are doing. Over 70% of kids who grew up in the church walk away after high school. Is that really a sign that the current trends are doing something right?
Kent Shaffer Said,
December 18, 2008 @ 8:55 am
@Matt
Very well put. And completely agree.
Kids should be experiencing taking part in mission. Inside church walls, I have seen great results from children’s ministry that have kid volunteers (i.e., greeters, ushers, worship team, etc.). It trains them early to be involved.
Ben Said,
December 18, 2008 @ 9:01 am
I think it largely depends on whether the parents being discussed are Christ followers or not. If not, then the things they are looking for will be very different.
Christ followers (mostly…) will want to know that their children are being trained to live Christ-centered and missional lives.
Other parents (parents that we are all hopefully endeavoring to reach) will be looking primarily at security and a “positive” environment.
I agree that building a ministry based on a list of “wants” is a bad idea. However, the opposite is also a bad idea. Building a children’s ministry ignoring the “wants” will fail as well. Recent Church history has certainly taught us both lessons.
Troy Maxwell Said,
December 18, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
I believe parents are looking for what I call “spiritual safety”. Let me explain by saying that when I was growing up. I didn’t wear a helmet when i rode my bike. I didn’t wear a seat belt in the car. I never washed my hands 590 times in a day with anti-bacterial solution. I am a parent of 3 and a pastor of many. As a parent I want to be sure that my kids are safely taught the truths of the bible. Sure I think technology is good and the “wow” factor is good. But when the day is over I want my kids to begin, and i mean begin to learn character and morals that the bible is very clear and motivating in. I realize that most of what they need to learn is not going to happen in 1.5 hours on a Sunday and maybe a small group. But I still want the church to help me in this.
As a pastor, we believe that children are the NOW generation not the NEXT generation. We treat them much the same way we treat an adult just not with the big words if you get my drift. We believe that children possess a level of faith and imagination that adults seem to lose as they grow up. Isn’t it interesting that Jesus never said to a child to be like an adult but for us to be like children.
Parents want stability
Parents want love
Parents want support
Parents want community
Parents want truth
Parents want training
That’s my 2cents.
dan Said,
December 21, 2008 @ 4:10 pm
Wow… this conversation went a few places since I commented. I think this conversation, and the subtext it must answer to (i.e. “rabbit trail”), is vitally important if authenticity is going to be part of the traditional church’s mission.
Right now I hear phrases like “God Mall” or “Big Production” used by my not-yet-saved-friends when describing our local - Cincinnati - mega churches.
And earlier this week “wow” took a life at Crossroads Community Church when in the opening night of their Christmas production, an aerial act went horribly wrong. A 23 yr old woman lost her life, needlessly, for “Wow.” What does aerial acrobatics in a Christmas production have to do with our Savior? Nothing.
Anyway, two things that has stick out to me in this discussion are: 1- The lack of understanding in the answers with regard to The Church and community. Sure, the family is a center-cell, but it’s part of a larger context. The isolated American view of “family” is nothing like the model Jesus was referring to when he set up The Church. 2 - The lack of answers in regard to practicality! What do parents want, first and foremost??? CLEAN. Is it clean - are the floors clean - are there Purell stations set up around the areas - what restrictions are given to kids whom are obviously sick? That’s gotta be in the Top 3 pre-reqs for any family when it comes to this.
Ida R. Said,
May 11, 2009 @ 11:09 pm
Not having children, I can’t even guess what parents want in a church. I did notice that NOWHERE in your article did you even mention attending/joining the church GOD wants you to attend. Isn’t THAT the most important reason for joining a church, or do you just leave God out of the decision process? I feel that too many people try to fill their own ‘wants’ and forget to ask God where HE wants them to go. But shouldn’t that be our #1 priority?
Kent Shaffer Said,
May 11, 2009 @ 11:15 pm
@Ida
Yes, praying and following God’s guidance is essential for a Christian looking for a church, but that is not what this article is discussing.
Instead, we are introspectively looking at the church from the eyes of children’s ministry workers asking ourselves, “What are parents wanting in a church?” What do mature Christian parents want? What do immature Christian parents want? And what do parents who do not even follow Christ want?
Steph Said,
May 11, 2009 @ 11:52 pm
For my 2cents worth, I agree with the person who said it depends if the parents are Christ-followers or not. And the needs are different. In our experience with holiday programmes, the parents (largely non Christ-followers) want to know their kids are safe physically and emotionally, and are having fun and learning ‘positive’ values. All our ‘programmes’ are relationship based, as that is the way we see Jesus related to all He came across. If we relate to all who walk into our churches with integrity, love and acceptance, God is freed to do the rest. Kids and adults can see through the ‘wow’ factor for what it is if there is no relationship as the foundation.
I think the ‘list’ is a good one, and gives good ‘food for thought’ for all of us as we struggle to serve our Lord in this increasingly complex world that we live in.
Lois Said,
May 12, 2009 @ 10:51 am
About kids leaving church after high school, I think that one factor - and only one factor - is that the church needs to understand that above all, young adult life is transient.
The attitude needs to be not “have you found a church where you are” but rather “welcome home to your church” when they come home. It means homecoming events at Christmas and at end April, and whenever else kids roost at home for a few days or weeks. What about events with the kids that are in their last year of high school and those first year out. It means youth pastors who email or call up the kids a few times in the year, once to mention on campus Christian activities where they are, and then to non-intrusively invite them to events at home and keep in touch.
Then when young adults actually settle somewhere, the expectation should be that they find a church compatible with their beliefs and get as much involved as is suitable. I can see the frustration when young adults get their first job, that involves traveling every week, and somebody asks them what they are doing in their church! What are some adults thinking!!
And then there are the atheistic professors. The church needs to handle this way differently. Since the schools/universities bill themselves as secular, the kids should be taught to identify those who are using the system to promote their own beliefs, unless the system markets itself as doing so. Advise that people consider waiting until after the class is over to decide what to think, and to do that while considering points that the prof has missed. There are a lot of adults out there who changed their mind about politics or religion after university or college. Maybe one of them can speak to the kids.
Wendy Perkins Said,
May 22, 2009 @ 10:05 am
I guess I’m weird, but what I always wanted, especially when my kids were younger, was a church that would strengthen our relationships with our kids, not split us up into “pier” groups. I wanted a church that would teach me how to teach my children to grow in their own faith in Christ. I wanted a church that would encourage us to worship together. I wanted a church that would encourage the community of believers without getting in the way. I wanted a church that expected more of my kids than for them to sit back and be entertained.
At the same time I recognize that many kids have parents who are immature in their own faith, or have no faith at all, and we need to reach them too - both the kids and the adults.