Q+A :: How to Respond to a Mean Pastor
QUESTION:
As a lay-leader in my church, I have recently found out how poorly our senior pastor treats most of the other staff “behind the scenes.” Two of the staff members are thinking of quitting.
He is very good at manipulating information and opinions, so I am not sure how our elders board would react if I were to approach them about it.
I don’t feel that I am in a position to confront him, plus I really do not handle conflict well. Some amazing, good things are happening at our church, but I don’t think this undercurrent of antagonism within the leadership can go unchecked. It is seriously affecting some very talented ministry workers and making them doubt their own callings and abilities. Any suggestions?
- Sarah :: Canada
ANSWER:
Unfortunately, some churches have mean pastors. It is a leadership flaw that hurts the church, even when the church appears to be thriving. In your case, it sounds like your pastor hurts the people doing the most vital work, which certainly affects the quality of their work. Sadly, too many Christians can relate to your story.
I have heard plenty of stories, including one church where the staff and even the volunteers were in constant fear of being fired (yes, they fired volunteers and sometimes in bulk). It noticeably affected church workers. In fact, one churchgoer who stayed described the volunteering experience as:
I feel like it is an abusive marriage. I get mistreated, but I still keep coming back.
- Anonymous Churchgoer
I can not give you a perfect formula for how to respond to a mean pastor because there is no universal cause for pastoral meanness. But I can give you some ideas that might work.
- Pray
Above all else, pray. Pray for your mean pastor. Pray for personal guidance. How should you handle the situation? Should you confront the leader? Should you stay at that church? - Confront
Confrontation is ideal. Matthew 18:15-22 is a good guide to confrontation. A strong leader can handle constructive confrontation, particularly from their core workers. But some leaders will fire you for confronting them, and some will go as far as banning you from their church (no joke). - Ignore It & Focus
Some people do well ignoring the negatives and focusing on how to improve what they do. It is tough, but I have seen it work. - Leave
If you do not feel called by God to be attending and serving that church, leave and find a church that can be a better steward of your abilities. If you are called to that church, than you stay there, constantly pray, and then confront it, ignore it, or both (if confronting does not work).
Most importantly, guard against bitterness and forgive your mean pastor so that you can be in right standing with God (Matthew 6:15).
For Discussion:
- What advice do you have for responding to a mean pastor?
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adam mclane Said,
June 30, 2008 @ 6:58 pm
First off, great topic. Thanks for posting this Q&A. I think you give a very level-headed response… one that may work.
I think the key thing for all senior pastors is accountability. If they surround themselves with leaders (like “the board”) who will handle his public/private attitudes about staff people, that’s truly something unique and the church will be rewarded.
At the same time there are a lot of pastors who respond and mistreat their staff people because they are feeling out of control in another area of their life. I wonder about men like this… maybe they really need some counseling?
Greg Simmons Said,
July 1, 2008 @ 8:12 am
Very good post, and a timely topic as well.
I grew up as a PK (preacher’s kid) and, so I’ve seen life on both sides of the fence. Most church members will never appreciate the pressure that’s placed on their pastors. Have you ever felt like you have several hundred (thousand) bosses? All of these people have different expectations and different foci. Making everyone happy is an impossible task.
My dad taught me two very valuable things.
It is possible for pastors to make everyone happy. Some are happy when you come to the church, others are happy while you’re there and the rest are happy when you leave.
Second, If you are making everyone happy and agreeing with everyone…you’re lying to somebody.
I believe pastors “go mean” when they bend and sometimes break under the pressure placed on them by staff, volunteers, members and the community. For pastors, I believe the key lies in several steps (all learned from my dad):
1. Stay true to God’s direction, with sensitivity to other’s POV
2. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE - this may lessen a lot of friction. Don’t just lead through actions, lead by giving directions.
3. Recognize that making everyone happy is impossible. As Greg Laurie has stated, “Let it roll off your back. if you can’t, then roll it off to God.”
Sorry, Kent. Mine went a different way. I just believe pastors “go mean” or are perceived as mean b/c they become overwhelmed and react negatively to the pressure.
Alison B Said,
July 1, 2008 @ 7:12 pm
I’ve never sat under a “mean” pastor, per se, but I have sat and served under pastor who was a flagrant liar and manipulator. There’s nothing you can do, unless you are an elder, as far as confronting and if you do confront, don’t go alone! Pray for your pastor, try to communicate how his/her actions leave you feeling, and just know that you can’t defend yourself against a false accusation. Even Jesus kept silent. Conduct yourself in a manner of Godliness and integrity and eventually, your character will shine like gold and the other persons poor behavior will be revealed without you ever having to say a word.
angela Said,
July 2, 2008 @ 9:30 am
my church just went thru a similar situation. staff was threatened, volunteers were intimidated, others were always to blame for whatever went wrong. personnel team and deacons as well as individuals confronted the issue on more than one occasion, all to no avail in the end. he resigned just as everything was about to be brought out in the open to the entire church. there were about as many people in our congregation that didn’t know there was a problem as there were that did. leadership tried not talk openly about the problem. may or may not have been the best way to handle, but all seems to be working itself out.
Wes Shortridge Said,
July 2, 2008 @ 10:42 pm
Some pastors seem mean because they feel opposed from every part of the congregation. Pastoring can be lonely and often this loneliness and pressure translates to the appearance of being mean.
Prayer is certainly a great step– God will likely give you insight into why your pastor appears mean.
Another great step is to publicly support your pastor and express your support of him or her whenever possible. Sometimes the minority opposition in a church seems to be the majority to a pastor. Remind him or her that there are people who support their ministry, and it might just stop the meanness.
HiScrivener Said,
July 4, 2008 @ 4:56 am
Initially, agreed on this post. Kudos. It’s a stark reminder of how sad it is more Christian publications (blogs or otherwise) do not tackle this all-too-common and utterly painful issue.
Churches are supposed to be “theocratic” (run by God), so everyone does the work of Lord and goes home happy. However, 95 percent of the time, this is not the case. Churches become morphed into “autocratic” communities (run by a man with absolute power).
You know, surrounded by ‘yes men’, never has a bad ‘vision’ and must be right because ‘he is the one hearing from God’.
That said, the aforementioned points and strategies are correct, but it comes with a price. This pastor, whom very often gets placed on a pedestal, has to be knocked off in order for you to realize that he is human, has serious flaws and can screw up like the rest of us. It’s disappointment more than anything because you don’t want THAT guy to be your pastor.
It’s difficult. The most important thing is not too gossip, but to be accountable with some friends and pray about what to do next. Sometimes confront, other times remain steady and look for God’s deliverance.
Just keep in mind, you are never alone with this issue. NEVER.
If I may, we spoke about this very situation in a more candid nature at “The Writing on the Wall” here: (http://hiscrivener.wordpress.com/we-should-be-living-epistles/)
You may find some solace there as well.
Peace.
SKH Said,
August 3, 2008 @ 2:42 am
I really believe God put me in my church. My pastor was really funny and loving. But his wife has a jealous spirit about her and she caused him to turn a gainst me. So they started doing things and saying things to me that really hurt me. This went on for years its now 2008 . It seem like the Lord wasn’t defended me so I started to defend myself. And things got worse they marked me as a trouble maker in the church. We only had maybe 12 members at the time they saw how bad I was being treated they even came to me and told me they see it. A year later they all left the church but me and my family are still there. Pastor and his wife seem like they are trying to change ” I still don’t trust them.”
I’m so troubled I can’t do what God has called me to do because I fear them. I fear they will say something to tear down the gift God has put in me. I’m a mess! I want to leave but the lord told me he has me there for reason.
The out come in all this. I learn that my heart needed to be fixed. ” How we act shows us what’s in our heart.” Its been hard but its made me better and stronger in God. P.S I’m still marked by them. I hope and pray God hasn’t marked me.
If so then Lord forgive.